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January 30th, 2014


Jackie 1
Chico 1
Jackie 1
Ms.Olive 1
Ms.Olive 2
Ms.Olive 3
Ms.Olive 4
Parakeets (1st group)
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January 16th, 2011

The letter is postmarked March 24, 1993


No tears left, that is my curse.
Only pain can bring out tears.
Having wept so much before
For things large and small.
For pity and sadness and loss and gain.
Weeping ever again for me, nevermore.
All releases of sadness gone.
No more tears shall flow.
Condemned to live life with no release,
Sadness simply ever grows.
To never have this or that, my sentence stands.
What am I to do now? I don't know.
To see the others taking part,
To be condemned to stand to the side,
Always watching, Always observing,
waiting for my time to come.
Sadness, anger, and doubt, all pent up,
Has only bred cynicism, death.
'Tis time to move on.
For here I lay, upon my bed,
Watching life around me end.
Wondering why it all must go,
I can only say.... nothing.
For here are my words, the words I have to say.
Whether 100 years from now, tomorrow, or today.
When life around me ends, people passing by,
I wonder where this comes from, wondering why.
Waiting, watching, will my time ever come?
Will this all be for nothing, or
will I ever find love?
Snubbed away from the world,
this pen only release.
How much more can I take,
will I ever come to peace?
The hour grows late, the time has come.
'Tis time to say goodnight, my
tale now is done.
But I cannot stop, not
with so much to tell.
All these words flowing from me,
all from some untapped well
And when the clock finally stops,
when the end is here.
I wonder, where will I go,
can I fly there?
In life there is so much to do,
so little time to do it.
Where to go, what to do,
How the hell to get through it?
But the time has come,
to speak of many things.
Not happy, not joyful,
nowhere near content.
I wonder what to do?
No one notices me.
It's not like I'm ignorant.
I know what it's all about.
What to say, what to do,
I'm tryin' to find a way out.
But I wonder, will she ever come?
That person made for me,
and will I notice her?
All these things course through my mind,
and I wonder what to do.
I'll just write a while longer,
and wonder about the world.
Sure I laugh, I seem like fun sometimes.
Have you ever seen me cry?
Not from pain, but from sorrow or emotion?
I thought not.

October 6th, 2009


I saw this blurb on tv this morning about a website called  FutureMe.org.  I decided to check it out.  Basically, you send your future self an email.   I thought it would be funny, so I sat down to write myself an email.  By the end of the email, it was less lighthearted.  Sure I had all kinds of questions about my upcoming new job.....  But what I discovered was that I had a lot more deeper and pressing questions on my mind.    Happiness, Peace, Forgiveness.....  Learning not to be a perfectionist and how to make new friends....  I knew I had a lot on my mind, but no wonder I stress so much when I have so many questions about the future.   Faith is not needed when you already know the outcome- that's knowledge.  In light of this, I need more faith.  Faith that things will be okay.  Somehow I'll get through it, I have thus far anyway.  Another strange thing I noticed is that I was reluctant to mention some things....especially too far ahead.  I was afraid of disappointing myself and dredging up old hopes that never came to be....  Yeah, I'm a pessamist when it comes to planning.  I've had so many plans that never followed through that I stopped making plans a long time ago.  Until recently- going back to school last year was a very big and scary plan for me.  Somehow I made it through, so perhaps not all plans are doomed from the beginning.  But still I hesitate.  My wonderful pesimistic side says "What if....."  I only sent my future self a letter 6 months in advance.  That feels like a huge stretch to me.  At this point, I can't imagine writing a letter to myself in 1 yr....never mind farther in the future.  So ..... I live in the present much more than I ever realized.  Plans are scary, but I think I'll work on that.  I'll start off slow.  Maybe make a plan for in 2 weeks, then a month, etc.  I'll start now.  (YIKES!)  In two weeks I'll come back to LJ and evaluate how my "plan" is going.  LOL  Ugh, that actually  is scary to commit to.  My "what if" is already kicking in.  What if I don't.....what will the punishment be?  (See, that perfectionist is kicking in as well.)  I suppose if I don't follow through, I count it as a forgiveable mistake and make it up asap.  Ugh, I hate plans.  They're as bad as those stupid "Hello my name is______" stickers. 

September 4th, 2009

My Birth Plan

In response to another post, I'm posting the birth plan I used with my last baby.  Here it is.  Feel free to use any part of it.

Mother’s Name: xxxx    OB: xxxx   Pediatrician: Dr. xxxx
Husband: xxxxx   Doula: xxxxx   Hospital: xxxxx   EDD: xxxxxx

We have chosen to give birth to our child at xxxxx because of the outstanding care we received with our last birth here.  We are also glad to have Dr. xxxxxx  assisting us through this joyous occasion.  We understand that birth can be unpredictable.  In our desire to have the happiest birth possible, we are presenting this birth plan to help us achieve a safe and satisfying birth.  Our baby’s health and well-being is of utmost importance to us.  These decisions have been made after much research, consultation, and thought.  We look forward to working with you, and appreciate your help with our family to achieve our personal birthing goals.  You can be assured that in the unlikely event of complications, our full cooperation will be rendered after an informed discussion with the doctor has taken place and adequate time for private consideration has been given to us.

Before Labor begins:
*I expect, and trust, that my practitioner will seek my opinion, and that of my husband on all issues that may affect my birth experience or that deviate from this plan.
*If my water breaks at the onset of labor and there are no signs of infection, I would ideally like to wait at least 24 hours before further evasive action is considered.
*If my baby is overdue, (Past 42 weeks), I would like to monitor the baby with non-stress test until labor begins by itself.
*Unless necessary, no scheduled c-section before going into labor on my own.
Latent labor:
*When labor begins, I prefer to stay home as long as possible.
*I would like the option to return home if I am less than 5 cm dilated and/or not in active labor.
*Upon entering the hospital, it is crucial for me that I will not be separated from my husband at any point during labor or birth.
*I prefer a private LDR room with tub or shower.
*Ideally, I would like my environment to 1) have dimmed lights 2) voices respectfully lowered  3) music I provide.
*I would like the opportunity to wear my own clothing.
*I would like my husband to have the opportunity to film/ photograph labor and delivery.
*Hospital staff: I may walk, moan, and grunt.  I would be grateful for the personal space to do this comfortably without feeling hushed or rushed.
Active labor: *It is important to me that my husband and doula be present with me at all times during birth
 *I would like to keep internal vaginal exams to a minimum
 *I would like to have access to water and or ice chips if hospital rules do not allow food.
*I would like a heparin/saline lock to be considered if an IV prep is necessary.  Please remove as soon as possible after birth.
*I would like intermittent fetal monitoring by Doppler.  Please, no continuous fetal heart monitor (external or internal) unless there is fetal distress, then only as long as the distress is present.
*If intermittent monitoring is not possible I would like portable fetal monitoring.
*I want a drug-free birth.  Do NOT offer medications.  If I ask for drugs, I need more support.
*I would like the opportunity to try non-medical, non-invasive pain-relief methods.  Some therapies I feel would be useful for me include: 1) Massage  2) guided relaxation  3) water (shower/bath)  4) change in position  5) hot/cold therapy  6)birth ball
* I would like freedom of movement to walk, rock, use the bathroom and move as my body dictates.
*I am interested in having access to (if available):  1) squatting bar  2) birthing bed  3) birthing chair
Augmentation: I would prefer to walk to speed labor.
Transition: At this point my body may be most sensitive.  If I am feeling that my support person’s or staff member’s voice and/or touch feels too much, I will indicate so.
Pushing: I would like to be free of time limits on pushing as long as it is clear that my baby’s heart tones are good and receiving sufficient oxygen.
*I will be using spontaneous bearing down when appropriate.
*I would like choice of positions for pushing and delivery.  If my pushing is not progressing efficiently, I would like to be encouraged to try 1 or more of the following delivery positions:
    *Squatting   *side-lying position   *standing upright     *hand and knees on floor   *Kneeling, resting       arms on bed/chair   *semi-reclining on bed   *whatever feels right at the moment
Vaginal delivery
*I would like to avoid an episiotomy.  I would like support with 1) warm compresses and positioning
 2) encouragement to breathe with my urge to push
*If episiotomy becomes necessary, please let me participate in the decision.
*I would like local anesthesia for repairs (stitches).
*I would like to touch my baby’s head as s/he is crowning.
*I would like the option to view my baby’s entry into the world by using a mirror.
*My baby should be placed on my abdomen immediately following the birth to bond and breastfeed.
*If warming is necessary, please allow baby to be warmed on my abdomen covered by blankets.
If Complications lead to a cesarean delivery: *If at all possible, please wait for my express consent, or my husband’s before initiating any procedure.
*Husband and doula be present with me at all times during birth (prep, surgery, and recovery) regardless of the form of anesthesia.
*Ideally, I would like to remain awake and aware, avoiding general anesthesia if possible.
*Please, no arm restraints so that I can touch my baby as soon as possible.
*I would like someone to explain the surgery as it is happening.
*I would like the screen to be lowered, or be able to use a mirror so I can witness my baby’s birth.
*Ideally, I would like the opportunity to photograph my baby’s birth.
*Assuming baby is well, I would like to hold my baby on my chest and nurse as soon as possible.
*I would prefer baby and husband to stay with me in recovery.
*If absolutely necessary to take the baby from the OR, Husband to physically remain with baby at all times.
*Please delay newborn procedures till after bonding and breastfeeding.
*Please discuss options for postpartum medication with me.  (No morphine please.)
*Please provide nutritious food and drink as soon as possible.
*Baby’s condition permitting, Please allow my husband to hold/care for baby until I can hold baby and nurse.
*Newborn exam done in my husband’s presence if I am unable.
*If absolutely necessary to take the baby from the OR, Husband to physically remain with baby at all times.
Delivery of placenta:  Baby to breastfeed immediately to assist in natural delivery of placenta.  Please, no pitocin, uterine massage, or cord traction.  If a procedure is necessary after given time, please explain to me
Cord Care:  Cord to be cut by my husband, and not until pulsing has stopped.
Eyedrops, Vitamin K and other procedures: *With either a vaginal or cesarean birth, Please postpone routine newborn procedures until I have had a chance to bond with my baby and breastfeed.
*If warming is necessary, please allow baby to be warmed on my abdomen cover by blankets.
*I would like for my husband and /or me to be present during all newborn procedures. (Preferably done in my room.)
Rooming-In and Feeding:  Healthy baby in-hospital infant care as:
*Full rooming in-no separation
*Please DO NOT OFFER my baby formula, sugar water, pacifiers, or artificial nipples.
*I will breastfeed exclusively on demand.
*If unable to breastfeed under UNUSUAL circumstances, AND with my consent, please allow ONLY my husband to feed by dropper (rather than bottle) my EBM.
Family time My sons, xxxx, (age 5) and xxxxx (age 3) to visit with my newborn, my husband, and me as soon as possible.  
*During private time for family bonding, we ask that the Dr and staff exit.
*We ask that other family members (Grandparents, etc) be allowed to visit for the first time AFTER private family bonding and nursing is finished.  (Regardless of visitation hours.)

Sick Baby and postpartum care: If my baby is not well, I would like to:
 1) accompany my baby, or have my husband accompany the baby if transported to another facility  2) breastfeed, or provide my expressed milk  
 3) Have unlimited visitation for my husband and myself
 4) Hold, rock and care for my baby if possible.
*Extra nursing to be used for any signs of jaundice
*If jaundice continues to be a problem, we ask that the baby is wrapped in a bili blanket and continue rooming in with mother.

*I would like my hospital stay to be as short as possible for a vaginal birth.

In order to make this birth a success, bonding and breastfeeding with my healthy baby as soon as possible is extremely important to me.  Your guidance and cooperation will be greatly appreciated.  We thank you in advance for your support and kind attention to our choices.  We look forward to a wonderful birth.

Dr. xxxxx_______________________________________________________________   

Mom’s name:  ________________________________________________________________

July 21st, 2009

As I am finishing cooking dinner, the phone rings.  I've been waiting on this important call all day.  One son answers the phone and hands it to me.  While another son knocks off a flower wreath I made for Sarah when I was pregnant with her.  (Took me hours to make.)   So while I'm having this phone interview, Sarah brings me part of this flower wreath.   The 3 kids start arguing in the same room that I'm taking this call in.  I take part of the flower wreath away from Sarah, and order the 3 kids out of the kitchen while I talk on the phone.  (Had the phone plugged in - this morning I lost the call in the middle of the interview...)  Sarah and Andrew start crying and screaming they're hungry.  I quietly motion to them to go get their food....but they most be quiet.  Of course, this brings them back into the kitchen.  Andrew shatters a plate as he's getting his food.  Sarah is still crying because I took away the pieces of the wreath....  Andrew is freaked out because he thinks I'm mad over the broken plate  (no, I just need them to be quiet!)  Jeremy is ticked because I won't answer his pressing question  ("Can I have milk with dinner?")   Finally, the call is over.  From the parts I've heard, I have a temporary job starting in September.  It's hard to get excited under the circumstances.  Oh, and I forgot to mention, this is the 3rd night in a row Brian has had to work late.....  That means after I finish dinner, I get to make sure everyone bathes and gets to bed.  Oh joy. 

June 19th, 2009

(no subject)

Monday is my LAST day of school!  Then I am officially done with nursing school!  All we'll be doing in class is filling out paperwork.  So I made it!  Whooohoooo!
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